so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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