you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
Randomize
