Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Randomize
