When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
Randomize
