I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
Randomize
