Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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