I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Randomize
