in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
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