First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
