I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
I love how my cats smell like pot.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
