he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
Randomize
