He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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