He can hate all he wants but were fucking with these crocs on
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
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