I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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