Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay
I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
Randomize
