Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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