The maid of honor just puked.
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Randomize
