so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
Randomize
