I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
