Chill out big head. its weird when girls look at dudes asses
u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
