I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
Randomize
