...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
Let the clothes fall where they may.
So. Much. Porn.
Randomize
