peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
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