I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
am i morally bankrupt?
no. its just the recession
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Randomize
