I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Randomize
