I faked an abortion last night.
So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
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