He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
This is the prime rib incident all over again
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
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