You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
