saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
