my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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