I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
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