didnt we say no more talking to eachother
it will help you get over me i promise
im horny
ok i will unlock the door
shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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