Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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