I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
If it makes you feel any better... I have a friend who found out her mom was in the video for 2 Live Crew's "Pop That Pussy"
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Randomize
