She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
