I just cut my nipple shaving
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
We climaxed at the same time during ain't no mountain high enough. Does it get more cheesy or domestic for a non relationship?
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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