the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
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