Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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