..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
