My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
He lets me throw up in him even if i do it mistakeily- erica talking about the toilet
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Randomize
