I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Randomize
