At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
Randomize
