i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Randomize
