I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
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i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
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You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
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