You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
Randomize
