Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
The air taste purple.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
Randomize
