i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Randomize
