True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
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