you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Randomize
