i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
