mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
A good drinking club with a running problem, improves endurance in both I have observed this evening.
2 for 1 beer results in multiples of 2 so what should be a beer or two becomes 4 or 6. But running, alleviates the need for a DD.
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher