stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
Is This New Dating App Elitist…Or Genius?
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
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Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.