wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
Randomize
