some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
Randomize
